Lend me your ears and I will tell you some answers.

How much stock can be placed into intuition and feeling. If your brain has skipped a beat and your heart turns it all around to a sweet down tempo groove, which one is the music that you dance to. There's a pit of knowing that grows in your belly but it's voice becomes muffled on it's way up and out through your throat, ears, nose and eyes. How do you hear it clearly. Where is the line that is crossed between the universal truth and the subconscious wish.

The answer is to live. Arms wide open, eyes closed shut, breath held tight, feet first, heart in your throat. Live it.

The answer is to trust. Trust the rhythm of the universe, the beat of the twinkle of the stars, the sound of the grass growing beneath your feet, the taste of the cold of a winter's day.

The answer is love. Love in all of it's forms. Beautiful and ugly and cruel. Love.

The answer is to never answer. We are cursed and blessed in the same blink of an eye. The answer is to not expect an answer at all.

I do not want to grow up. I will never grow up. This life is best served with a healthy does of reckless abandon and childlike wonderment. Be bewildered. These days are structured for magic. Pure, unforgiving, unwavering magic. Soak in it, absorb it, you will not have these days for long.

Not sure what to think. Not sure how to feel. Isolation? Maybe that is the best bet. On Christmas day I awoke to an empty house. I began the day completely crushed and thought to myself "I will not let this day make me, I will make this day!" I wound up wandering Central Park for hours by myself. I watched all of the couples taking pictures, the families pushing strollers, the tongues wagging in foreign language and accent, the children throwing snowballs, the ice on the pond thickening. A frozen wonderland. Surrounded by so many people but completely at peace in my solitude. The air is cold, the ground is white and wet and there is noise all around me. I find an abandoned path and perch myself on a bench and just wait. Christmas was a good day.

So, when the going gets rough the tough get going. It seems as though the answer is all inside of me. If you are nice enough, I might even let you in on it, but you're going to have to work for it. Trust me, it's worth it.

Bring on the new year.

Incredible nights lead to incredible mornings and those mornings lead to loving everything about your life. Hello last night, you were just what I needed. I said the magic words and reclaimed the magic, in one sense or another. Beginning to settle in to this feeling of being out of control. I'm tired of steering. Let the universe steer, or your dearest friends. You will be happier, you will feel freer, you will enjoy your life. Isn't that what it's all about?

This year I walk away.

One word as the year begins to draw it's curtains, whirlwind. This past year has been the best and worst that I have ever experienced. It's all in the details and how you choose to see it. Some days it's the best and for about a week out each month it seems the worst. I have lost everything and gained so much more. I am finding who I am and finding out even more about everything around me. Time is just a watchdog, a stranger, a companion, time waits for no man. This year has been about seizing the moment and making big decisions and not letting those decisions make you. Liberating. Let go and give in.

I have just signed my lease for the apartment I will be living in for the next year in Brooklyn. Part of me is elated and so excited to be settling into this new life. Another part of me says that in my history this year of letting go and flighting from one place and state of mind to another am I really ready for that kind of commitment? I can barely commit to what outfit to wear out for the evening, what song to play for the moment, and now a written agreement that I won't be going anywhere else for at least another year? I think I'm ready. I hold my breath and close my eyes and sign. I'm in it for the long haul, this bitch isn't going anywhere. Maybe when the snow starts to really fall I will panic and bail, I think. Probably not. Stop looking for excuses for your life to be anything less than extraordinary. It's a terrifying feeling to actually live how you want to instead of how you should but I couldn't ask for anything more. Anything more than this just becomes greedy and silly.

All in good time I will find my bearings as I don't feel that I have quite gotten a hold on them yet. All in good time I will finish writing my opus and be able to share this music with the world instead of shows for 2 or 3 people in a strange living room or bedroom. All in good time I will find a worthwhile companion and have somebody to keep my bed warm at night. All in good time. All in good time. And yes, time is good, very very good. It gives me the tools to learn patience, the power to make things immediate, the opportunity to learn what to want and to make it happen. It will happen.



And more than anything in the world, I miss my dog.

Another birthday has passed and I am another year closer to something I cannot imagine and further away from so much that I cannot forget. It is a quiet and uneasy moment when you realize that the person you are at this very moment is so very far away from what you remember as being familiar. Tonight I am quiet and still. I let the city breathe its frigid breath all around me and I absorb the fact that what once was will never be again. I stare out of freezing windows where I cannot tell if what comes from my mouth is the smoke from my cigarette or the bitter air my breath meets at this opening. The air from the radiator rattles and screams at the top of its lungs to be released from its boiling prison, yet I am calm. Soon we can say it is the dead of winter. Soon the snow will be a blanket upon the ground. All will be buried in it's quiet and cold death and will sleep and wait for the sun to once more show it's kind warmth. And I feel as though I am losing touch like a balloon tied to a string in the hands of a careless and distracted child. At which point do I disappear into the atmosphere or get swallowed by a cloud or maybe just simply burst under the rising pressure. I will want not and I will blow where the wind takes me. I will not be afraid to love or to let go. Live life like water and wind, add the fire, watch it burn, become the earth, feed the soil and watch all things slowly grow as they are fed by the water and spread by the wind.

I am probably the dumbest person I know. Regardless, life is incredible. Since moving to New York, in the short time I have been here, I have learned so many things about myself. I am fully embraced by the magic that I hold in me. The blossom is slowly opening and there is change and beauty all around.

The first snow of the year fell today. As I was walking the streets of Brooklyn the rain slowly started to change to ice under the streetlights. I suddenly felt lost and at the same time at home as if my state of helpless floundering is exactly where I belong in my rain soaked boots and my flimsy umbrella. What is this strange place. Where is this energy coming from. It pulses everywhere around me. It draws me in and chews me up and spits me out only to suck me back in when it's through and start it again. Perhaps this is what it feels like to truly be alive. To actually live your life. I am only sad that I haven't known this feeling until now. Still I will take the good and the bad and everything in between and I will hold it and caress it and love it until it is no more. But until then I will sit in this room and listen to the howling of the wind and hope and wish and pray that everything will be ok. And I know it will be.

I awoke this morning with my eyelids stained by a dream I wish I never had and now wish I could forget. This day was meant to be one of preparation, of cleansing, letting go and moving on. Instead, this day began with my uterus crashing through the flood gates carrying little knives to fight it's way toward freedom. I have no energy, I have no desire but still I am pushing on and trying to get something done. I'm going through boxes and re-evaluating the worth of objects from my past. Then all at once, it hit me.

In a box of various knick knacks and trash lay two envelopes. I recognize the handwriting and the return addresses. I've spent the last hour reading and rereading notes to remind me that for the last 7 years of my life I have wasted and squandered every bit of good in me and have too many times "missed the boat" and am terrified that this time it really is too late. And I feel like the biggest asshole on planet earth. I feel like my heart in breaking into a million pieces with every breath I take and I've felt this way for years but tonight it hits me like a ton of lead bricks. I don't know if there is any way to put it back together again. I don't know who I am or where I am going or what is going to happen next and I don't really know if I care much at all anymore. From this moment to the next to all those that came before life will be and has been and continues to be nothing but a dream upon waking and a nightmare upon sleep. Somebody please come wake me up.