I awoke this morning with my eyelids stained by a dream I wish I never had and now wish I could forget. This day was meant to be one of preparation, of cleansing, letting go and moving on. Instead, this day began with my uterus crashing through the flood gates carrying little knives to fight it's way toward freedom. I have no energy, I have no desire but still I am pushing on and trying to get something done. I'm going through boxes and re-evaluating the worth of objects from my past. Then all at once, it hit me.

In a box of various knick knacks and trash lay two envelopes. I recognize the handwriting and the return addresses. I've spent the last hour reading and rereading notes to remind me that for the last 7 years of my life I have wasted and squandered every bit of good in me and have too many times "missed the boat" and am terrified that this time it really is too late. And I feel like the biggest asshole on planet earth. I feel like my heart in breaking into a million pieces with every breath I take and I've felt this way for years but tonight it hits me like a ton of lead bricks. I don't know if there is any way to put it back together again. I don't know who I am or where I am going or what is going to happen next and I don't really know if I care much at all anymore. From this moment to the next to all those that came before life will be and has been and continues to be nothing but a dream upon waking and a nightmare upon sleep. Somebody please come wake me up.

1 Comment

1. Tracy on September 21, 2009 at 1:07 AM

   Honey, it's time to wake up! You don't want to be late!(kisses forehead and places a cup of hot, herbal tea and a blueberry muffin on your nightstand)