Everything around me is illuminated and everything is aglow with wonderment and possibility. It is amazing the things you can accomplish when you simply sit back and let the Universe do it's thing. Stop fighting it and listen.

When is the last time you stopped and took a conscious unmechanized breath? You let yourself become immersed in a moment of complete and total silence? You took a hard honest look at what is being presented to you? Have you ever stopped to consider the validity of coincidence? Do you believe that everything has a purpose? Do you have the skills you need to put together the pieces and fully understand the signs that are given to you every single day you wake? I am by no means a "master" but the moment you learn to let go and embrace the vastness of infinity you will watch the sea part for you to travel to your destination without any worry. This is the lesson I am learning.

Time is swiftly passing and the skyline of New York is drawing nearer every single day. Every bump in the road is serving to deliver me that much closer to where I need to be. I have made a pact to live every single moment from now until then, whenever "then" may be, as if it is my very last moment. What would I have wanted to say, to do, to feel. Fuck the undertone of cliche, life is too short to let this moment pass us by. I will live fast, strong and hard. I will be delivered into the hands of greatness and all I have to do is to love and to live. The world is at my fingertips and aching for me to reach out and touch the beauty and infinite abyss that is this moment. I am ready.

"To do a dull thing with style-now that's what I call art." - Bukowski

I've never been very good with names but I promise I will treat these well. I am sinking in and giving way to the signs given to me from the Universe. My life is forever changed and continues changing.

My weekend started on Wednesday. A free pass to a beautiful new film always gets me going. Friends, beer, sake, drive, rain. Reluctant trip to the Lost Leaf, wasn't really feeling like it but decided you only live once, why not. I was expecting, well I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe more than a small handful of people and definitely not a band. The music is great but I need a cigarette and venture to the great outdoors. I make an ignored phone call to a friend I'm concerned with, finish my cigarette and attempt to go back indoors but am caught by a friendly smoking face. An unusually friendly greeting and extraordinarily brief conversation, all too strange for this place. "I'll see you in there" he says and I happily return inside to finish my glass of wine. There's a boy at the table and I don't know him. It is revealed that he is in the band that just played, just what I want to talk to right now, another musician. The hour progresses and somewhere in that short time I feel compelled to offer to drive this guy up to Prescott the next day to meet his band for their next show if he would just stay and hang out for the night. What's the worst that can happen? Taking a stranger home I've known for less than a couple hours, so I could wind up killed so I'm half joking and in the spirit of absurdity when I say this and then surprised to get a response of "Are you really serious?" I tell him if he will pay for gas and cigarettes it's a done deal. Moments later and he has his things and the van is driving away outside. Guess I'm going to Prescott tomorrow, what a complete prick I would be if I didn't.

Back to the house, glass of wine and straight into the pool. We get drunk, Melinda brings out her guitar, I've played for people for the first time in I don't know how long. She goes up to bed and we swim and talk. The worst deja vu I've had in a very long time. Things are happening to me in this moment that came to me when I was probably just a small child. Something big is about to happen. This is the hint from the Universe to start paying attention. I am lost in amazing conversation, I am accomodated, I am satisfied. Work the next morning flies by abnormally fast as if I wasn't even supposed to be there and the day is done in 2 hours.

I'm on the road again. A drive through Arcosanti and I feel alive again. Mile marker 45 and I'm afraid for my newfound life as a huge bug invades the car. Ready to tuck and roll, we pull over, cop stops and asks why we're dancing. BUG IN THE CAR! The boy announces he got it out and jumps in and rolls up the window, Melinda follows, I hesitate and jump in the car while thanking the cop for what, I'm not really sure, but thank you.

Prescott. Houses. Views. Cigarettes. Couch. Drinking out of cups. Drive to the venue, we've been invited to stay. Cigarettes. Dancing. Smoking. Stairs. Blur, blur, blur but not really at all. Back to the house with amazing music and smoking until the sky is blurry. I laugh so hard I think I've damaged something inside. It's the best hurt I've felt. An owl comes and watches us and we silently watch back, the beacon of wisdom of the night. Then the sun begins to rise and panic swells. Our time is drawing near. A bed is made a hug is given and that is that and that is the end.

I slip away in the morning, I have to be at work soon. On the drive home everything is illuminated and I am overwhelmed. A decision is made, I am moving to New York with Melinda, just like that. Plans are already in motion. 48 hours can be an entire lifetime and everything that follows can be completely different and will be. Some things are better left unsaid and just done, the only thing that brings change is action.

"I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where Ill end up well I think,
Only God really knows
Ive sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but
They fall far below
I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go
I swam upon the devils lake
But never, never never never
Ill never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never"

-Cat Stevens

The moon is full tonight and my skin is absolutely crawling. I have mopped my floor and swept it 3 times, I have dusted and changed the sheets but there are still little remnants everywhere, I cannot make it go away. I need a stiff drink and a serious cuddle.



"We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime." - Mr. Magorium

If you are patient, all things will come. If you are even more patient, all things will eventually go. I am sitting under moonlight while the sky cries buckets on me tonight like God himself is weeping in heaven. I can only hope there is a method to this madness of life. I am staring down the throat into the belly of the beast called nothing. I am awake and I am free. I am everything and I am nothing. I am drowning in the milky way tonight.


"If a thing loves, it is infinite."
-William Blake

I'm saying "fuck you" to this week and bidding it farewell by reading Bukowski, drinking wine, eating burgers and letting myself melt into the hot and moist air outside. An overwhelming and crippling sense of defeat is consuming me. I feel helpless, alone and uncertain. Not a leg to stand on, barely a lung to breathe with. I want the sky to swallow me whole tonight or to dissolve me into the wet dirt in the lawn. These days have been for aching.



“Out of the ash I rise with my red hair
And eat men like air”
-Sylvia Plath



"The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time

Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

In the end I was the mean girl
Or somebody's in-between girl
Now it's the devil I love
And that's as funny as real love
And that's as real as true love

That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on""

-Neko Case, "Hold On, Hold On"